


I’m glad that you’re bound to return

by RocioWrites



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:53:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25649125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RocioWrites/pseuds/RocioWrites
Summary: Everything was going smoothly until some assholes shot Joe and when he was getting back up, injected him with something that put him out for good, falling back to the floor like a sack of potatoes.(I know you know that old post about a guy coming out of surgery or something and under the effects of the anesthesia, he started flirting with his wife not remembering she was his wife. This is my take, sorry not sorry)
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 92
Kudos: 1159





	I’m glad that you’re bound to return

**Author's Note:**

> Look, I wanted to make this super short and funny for a first approach to the TOG fandom. I may have not succeeded at all. Whatever, the only kind of humor I can write is this type, funny situation narrated seriously.
> 
> Ngl guys, wrote it in like, two days and it’s been so long since I finished a fic, even a short one, that I decided to post it all the same. Maybe it can bring a smile to someone out there. Also I totally encourage better humor and/or crack writers to take this idea and do something more valid with it. If it already exists, please point me in that direction!
> 
> And btw, I disregarded that last scene and Book got back to the team for this.
> 
> Lastly, title taken from Spandau Ballet’s Gold, yes I used an 80’s song to title my fic because the well always runs dry before titling so I have to use something, alright? No, I will not try better.
> 
> That’s it. Stay safe my friends!

They get into the car in something of a rush.

“Everyone with me?” Andy asks, Nile swiftly digging around for her phone as she nods.

Joe is slumped against Nicky in the backseat, at his other side Booker is carefully watching if anyone’s after them. The both of them basically dragged Joe all the way from the warehouse.

“His breathing is normal.” Nicky supplies, hand on Joe’s neck checking his pulse.

“He actually seems asleep.” Booker adds in a discreet murmur.

The job was easy enough, disbanding an illegal drug lab that was starting to function as a hideout for human trafficking as well. The guards and goons to protect the place were trained and had pretty decent weapons but they were no match for an army of immortal warriors. Everything was going smoothly, they got around freeing the people trapped in the back rooms, the ones working in the lab against their will were the first evacuated.

Everything was going smoothly until some assholes shot Joe and when he was getting back up, injected him with something that put him out for good, falling back to the floor like a sack of potatoes.

Nicky was at their side instantly, sword going through the abdomen of one them, gun right at the other’s throat. He demanded to know what it was and managed to get a few grunted words out of them, something that sounded like the street name of some recreational drug.

“Got it!” Nile called after him, helping Andy with the last of the armed men while Booker ran to Joe, shaking him in a futile attempt to wake him up. “Will google it in the car.” She promised, eying Nicky cautiously.

It wasn’t enough, of course it wasn’t. So Nicky twisted his sword and pulled it out, letting the man drop to the ground. It was clear the other was next, even when he was swearing it was only a fun drug, it wasn’t something lethal and some more other things neither of them paid enough attention to understand in his fearful harsh tone. Either way, Nicky pulled the trigger.

So now they’re here, Andy driving them around surely looking for some place safe enough to regroup and make sure Joe is truly alright, giving him time to cure himself if necessary, the looks she keeps giving them are worrisome but with a scary determination. Not on my watch, and all that.

“Found it.” Nile announces then, and proceeds to read to them what she’s found on the internet.

It turns out it really is a recreational drug, illegal at that but recreational nonetheless. And to be honest, the illegal part of something has never stopped them before. Apparently, in the right amount it makes one giddy and euphoric but a bit too much and it’ll knock you out like the most potent anesthesia a dentist could use, for what Nile reads in some corner of some social network she’ll deny even knowing about, the anecdotes are quite funny.

“So… not life threatening?” Booker asks in search of some confirmation.

“It seems that way.” Nicky pipes up, more relaxed now, cradling Joe’s face against his shoulder and neck, probably to keep checking his breathing pattern, just in case.

“According to this, the worst that can happen is that he wakes up having the worst hangover ever. Best case scenario, he will just be giddy and sleepy for some hours.”

“Good.” Andy replies and parks them in some shady street full of closed factories and more questionable warehouses. “I think there’s a motel a few blocks from here, we can wait for Joe to wake up and then decide from there.”

They throw some jackets on or change their shirts, clean themselves some and put sunglasses on, pick up a few backpacks. It’s the most passable look they can manage so that is that.

Not their best moment, a group of foreigners dragging an unconscious man in the middle of the early morning but there aren’t many people around and the few wary looks aren’t enough to alert them properly. It doesn’t look like anyone is going to stop them or call the police. Not for now at least.

The motel in question does exist, and it’s as dingy and cheap as one might expect considering there are manufacturing plants relatively close. The lighting leaves a lot to be desired and the young man behind the tiny desk in a barred cubicle lifts an eyebrow at the mere sight of them.

Nile intones a silent prayer, glad her mother will never know about any of this.

“A room.” Andy orders him and the poor guy squeaks and looks around, as if counting them twice. Yes, there are five of them, and yes, one man is cold out, held in something adjacent at a standing position with the help of the other two. No suspicious at all, huh.

“Erm.” He clears his throat and Andy follows the movement of his hands, they probably don’t have any alarm system more sophisticated than a loud shrilling sound but it’d be optimal to draw the least attention possible. “I don’t… I don’t think it’s allowed for five people in one room, I’m sor—”

Andy slaps a nice amount of local bills in the desk, that probably could pay five rooms here, face set in stone. She won’t take a no for an answer.

“He’s alright.” Nicky finds it in himself to clarify, despite the fact that Booker and him are at Joe’s sides holding him upright, arms around his waist and back. “Just drunk.”

Booker can’t help the crooked smile at his lips, the ridiculousness of it all.

“Look, we just got out of some wild party.” Nile suddenly starts. Andy looks at her momentarily, a bit surprised. “My friend here had way too many drinks, sorry. But we need a place to crash for a moment until he feels a bit better.” Booker’s smile widens. “We won’t make a mess, I promise. Just give us a room and as soon as he wakes up, we’ll be out of here and looking for coffee to make him human again.” She finishes, some parts even came easily, sounding eerily familiar to that time she had to get her friends a place to while the night away after a real teenage party.

Andy, amused as she looks, offers some more bills. “For the trouble.”

One last look and the guy nods. If it’s Andy’s intimidating stance or Nile’s explanation or Nicky’s half honesty, they don’t know. Later, Booker will inform them that it was actually the money.

“Okay.” And he hands them a key card, giving them directions to their room.

“Thank you.” Nile and Nicky say at the same time, making Andy and Booker snort.

As expected, the room is also dingy and cheap and badly lit. It has a queen sized bed, Nile doesn’t even want to get close enough to gather the quality of the sheets and mattress. Andy takes a chair near one side and turns on the TV, of course she does, if only to grin at the porn it’s on. She lowers the volume, but the damage is done, Booker is already snickering alongside Andy and Nile feels even more mortified.

Nicky lays Joe down on the bed, finally. Joe only makes a soft sound, like he really just fell asleep, and moves minutely.

“How long do you think it will take for him to wake up?” Nicky asks, more at Nile than the rest since she read the most about this drug.

She shrugs. “No idea, sorry.”

Nicky nods and sits on the floor, beside the bed. Nile and Booker disperse, sitting in strategic points of the room just because it’s what they usually do. Andy directs a few looks at Joe and Nicky. They aren’t that used to inaction when one of them is down, but it seems there’s no real danger so the only thing left to do is wait it out.

That’s what they do then.

*

Almost an hour passes by, when Joe starts to stir awake. Nicky stands up right away, grabbing his hand tenderly.

“Joe?”

A gurgle of nonsense noises leave past his lips, a groan in between. Then he’s sitting up instinctively.

Andy turns the TV off, all eyes on their friend.

“Here.” Booker offers, a water bottle in hand.

Nicky seems grateful enough, taking it and opening it in rapid effective motions before pressing it softly to Joe’s lips.

“Drink.” He instructs. “Slow.”

Joe does as he’s told, slowly taking sip after sip with Nicky’s help tilting the bottle carefully. He lifts a hand when he’s had enough and mumbles something that’s meant to be a _thank you_.

“How do you feel?” Andy questions.

“Dizzy.” But it doesn’t sound like they should be concerned, although there seems to be a bit of slurring. “Sleepy.” He inspects the room and gives Nicky a once over than in any other moment would exasperate the hell out of the rest. “Not a hospital.”

“No.” Andy confirms.

“What is the last thing you remember?” Nicky tries, the bottle of water nowhere to be seen now.

A pause, Joe narrows his eyes, he’s unfocused. “Getting shot?” Nicky nods at him, prompting him to continue. “Oh right, I can heal.” And his smile is disproportionately amused.

“Yes, you can.” Nicky replies, doing a shit job at hiding his own endeared smile.

Joe is looking at him, hands on his lap, and licks his lips. “So no hospital, that means you aren’t my sexy nurse?”

Nile and Booker roll their eyes, of course Joe would pull something like this.

However, Nicky’s laugh is terribly cute. “No, I’m not. At least not right now.” He says the last part in a whisper even when the rest heard him clear as day.

“Behave.” Andy commands, yet she’s smiling too.

“Okay.” Joe sits up a bit better. “You aren’t nurses and doctors because I heal. You are…” He trails off as if he doesn’t know the word in English or maybe he isn’t exactly even sure who they are.

“Family.” Booker says, and yes, this is probably the best time for him to get away with saying this to Joe. For the next decade or so, at least.

“Ah.” Another pause. “No blood related, right?”

Nile blinks, taken aback by that. “Uh… No. Just, friends.” There’s something in the lopsided smile Andy is sporting that has Nile adding: “Really good friends, family more like it. _Immortal friends_.” And now Booker is also doing that stupid kind of smile.

“That’s a relief.” Joe says. “I was thinking you’re all so good looking and it would be weird to think that if you were blood related family.” Then, he’s giving another appreciative look at Nicky. “Especially you.” And the more he talks, the more obvious it is that Joe is under the influence, but yeah, just as they were expecting, it isn’t life threatening, they can deal. “Tell me, are you single?”

Nicky rejoices in this, another fit of laughter, completely endearing and fond. “I am not.” He answers all the same, eyes going soft.

If they’re still flirting, it most definitely is because things are quite alright.

Joe offers a pout. “Is that pretty boy over there the owner of your heart?” He asks, pointing at Booker.

Andy snorts so explosively she starts coughing. Booker looks like a deer caught in the headlights, unable to decide if he wants to deny it and risk it’ll sound like he doesn’t think Nicky is attractive – which won’t sit right with Joe – or simply say nothing and hope it won’t seem like he’s actually after Nicky.

“No, Book and I are good friends. And if you can keep a secret, my love is prettier than him.”

“What a lucky man he must be.”

“I am even luckiest to have him by my side.”

Andy curses under her breath and it breaks the spell, shifts the both of them into the cheap almost disgusting room surrounded by the rest.

“I’m sorry, boss. Got lost in those clear blue eyes.” The sentences flow so easily, Nile thinks Joe has said this many, many times before.

“Whatever. We should get going as soon as you feel okay enough.”

Joe tears soulful eyes away from Nicky and directs the most pitiful look ever towards Andy. “I do not think I will ever recover.” It sounds perfectly like teasing, but they’re also under so much fucking stress that there’s a second of charged atmosphere, worry and fear all together mixed up. Joe may or may not notice this in his state, he continues either way, eyes going back to Nicky. “How will I ever be okay if I had just seen the sun, a ray of warmth when I’m the coldest, but it cannot be mine? I am but a mere child wishing for affection and this beautiful creature cannot give it to me? An oasis while I’m in the desert but it is not mine to drink from, how will I ever recover from this?”

“Oh for fuck’s sake!” Andy exclaims, throwing her hands into the air. Nile is as frustrated as her but finds it so funny how their boss loses it.

“ _Yusuf_.” And Nicky of course adores these proclamations of love. One would think that it would get old after almost a millennium, but it looks like not if the adoring face Nicky is giving is anything to go by.

Booker stands up. “Maybe we should leave the two of you alone here for a few hours. Enough to recover?”

Nile stands up too, maybe that would be for the best. Leaving the two lovebirds alone. For a while at least. After all, the room is more than paid for.

“No, I wouldn’t want to make Nicolò an unfaithful man. Couldn’t live with that guilt.”

Andy face-palms. “This is getting ridiculous.” Although, honestly? Between Joe apparently not remembering he is Nicky’s love and him actually experiencing severe suffering for that drug, well, this is the best time-line. She’ll take the flirting any day. Nevertheless, that doesn’t mean she wants to sit here and listen to Joe’s love poems. “Just tell him, Nicky.”

“Tell me what?” And for a moment, Joe looks as lost as the child he said he was, waiting for his love to warm him and take care of him. It’s embarrassingly adorable.

It makes sense that Nicky is so in love as he is, with this poet of a man, soft and honest and caring. Nile gets why Booker was so depressed, having these two around making eyes at each other all day; hell, even she feels lonely in comparison and she never even wanted a romantic relationship.

“Joe, amore mio, we have been together for centuries.”

Joe’s eyes widen comically, his mouth falling open and slack. It makes them laugh when all of that it’s directed at Nicky.

“Congratulations, you’re the lucky man.” Booker jokes.

“I am.” Joe whispers full of emotion. “Is it true?”

Nile actually thought Joe was teasing, playing it to annoy them or something. But the honest emotion in his face at discovering that Nicky’s his partner… Well, she’s starting to believe the drug did jumble some of Joe’s memories for the time being.

“It is.” Nicky confirms, and leans down, plants a kiss full on Joe’s lip. Hands grab at each other softly and it almost feels so out of place considering this dingy motel that not even the most tasteless porn producers would use.

And now, Booker’s suggestion of leaving them alone sounds more than fantastic.

“Stop sucking faces.” Andy admonishes. It accomplishes nothing. “We should get going, are you alright now? Can we go?”

*

This time they get into the car at a more leisure pace.

It’s a true blessing having Joe getting in all by himself. Even when he can’t stop touching Nicky for more than two seconds. Innocent touches, hand in hand, fingers caressing a cheek or some strand of hair.

Nile and Booker play rock, paper and scissors to decide who’ll go shotgun and who will be third-wheeling in the back seat.

“You’re children.” Andy tells them, but she pats Booker on the thigh once he settles by his side. It puts a beautiful smile on his face.

Nile resignes herself to the dreamy sighs and tender love confessions she’s bound to witness. Who needs rom-coms or telenovelas or action movies to be honest? Her life has all of that and more and she’s sitting front row. Until the end of times basically.

By the time Andy kicks the car into motion, Joe is fully interrogating Nicky.

“And… have we married?” He’s asking with big eyes and a soft smile, hopeful, completely smitten.

Nicky looks pretty much the same, utterly in love. “We have.” He confirms. The dopey cute expression Joe is gifting Nicky is enough to have the rest silently allowing them this moment. “Several times. In different places.” Nicky adds, a sort of mischievous tiny smirk.

It makes Joe gasps and decidedly give Nicky a kiss. It was probably aimed at his lips but well, it landed close enough, Nicky’s chin is adorable also so no harm done.

“Wait, and have we…?”

Andy tunes them out, she was there for a few of those weddings. Booker pretends to fall asleep and Nile puts on her ear-pods even though the music is pretty low as to still be alert, it seems a bit like intruding in the intimacy of their friends’ relationship.

“If you’re delicately trying to ask if we’ve had sex…”

Oh, the road to the safe house is going to be long.

**Author's Note:**

> 08/08/2020: Edited some typos.


End file.
